Index

Materials List -- A list of all the materials that we are using in this project Episode 1 -- Ripping the raw stock into 4" widths Episode 2 -- Making the basic 55" x 24" square Episode 3 -- Making the second basic square and adding the legs Episode 4 -- Adding crossmembers, a high-tech workbench, and the bracing controversy Episode 5 -- Adding more bracing Interlude: How To Draw A Circle -- How to draw a large circle without a large compass Bracing: The Final Word -- Is there or isn't there going to be more bracing? Episode 6 -- Finishing the frame before adding the shelf and top Episode 7 -- Cutting boards for the bottom shelf, notches, and Whiz's Space Boots! Episode 8 -- Finishing the interior edges of the boards from Episode 7 Episode 9 -- Cutting the boards for the top, screwing the boards for the bottom Episode 10 -- Completing the shelf and the top. Whiz's space blaster Episode 11 -- Cutting the hole. Bet you wish you had one of these! Bracing: The Final Final Word, Honest! -- Why diagonal bracing isn't necessary Episode 12 -- Cutting cleats for 18-inch hole, and applying finish to the top! Episode 13 -- The Wheels! Episode 14 -- The Egg Is Home, At Last! Epilogue -- Beer Openers! Epi-Epilogue -- Beer Openers Complete! Epi-Epi-Epilogue -- What's This?!

Materials List

Things We Have Bought So Far 45 bd ft really nice 4/4 red oak, S2S 10 bd ft really nice 8/4 red oak, S2S 1 pound 2-1/2" galvanized deck screws 1 pound 1-1/2" galvanized deck screws Unknown quantity of wood glue 1 18" square tile from Home Depot, could use 18" square slate from garden center 1 18"x24" piece of slate from garden center 1 Authentic Coors beer cooler, inherited from Grampa Hanthorn, with original brass drain 2 quarts Minwax Helmsman Spar Urethane

Things We Think We'll Need 2 wheels, see what local hi performance auto store has in stock Nuts, bolts, washers to affix said wheels 1 BGE cover for large table Miscellaneous scraps of plywood, pine for some supports Recording of Kate Smith singing "God Bless America" for the unveiling

Episode 1

Behold! The simple lumber lying on the floor! Some beautiful red oak purchased at the local lumber yard for $2.99/board foot.

Behold! The slighty less-simple lumber standing up! Ripped to 4 inch width, ready for assembly. We did buy some 8/4 stock to make the 2x4 pieces in front for the legs.

Episode 2

Behold! The basic 55"x24" square has been assembled! We simply made a butt joint, using clamps to hold things in place while we drilled pilot holes for 2 2-1/2" galvanized deck screws.

Episode 3

Behold! Two of the basic 55"x24" squares have been assembled! It must be magic....

Let's move out on the deck where we have a little room to work. Let's clamp the legs to the basic 55"x24" squares.

Let's zoom in a little and inspect that incredible clamping technique up close! WOW!!

Hmmmm.... Let's tip the whole thing up on end and see if that works any better.

Hmmmmm..... No, let's tip the whole back and, yes, that's better. We have two legs firmly attached, with two legs yet to go.

Jeez! This sucker sure does move around a lot! Better nail it down once we finish it and put it out on the deck. Well, here we have all four legs firmly attached with deck screws and glue. Next task is to add some more cross-members to support the.... No, wait. We'll unveil that little surpise later.

DESIGN NOTE for any fools out there silly enough to try to duplicate my efforts. I think I got away with murder in making the basic squares up and then trying to fit the legs inside. I did manage to end up with a basic frame that sits flat, but I think it would have been much less risky to put the ends together first and then add the side boards.

Episode 4

Mickey wants more bracing. Ok, baby, we'll give you bracing. Nice and close to see our incredible clamping technique. Let's start bracing!!

There you go. There' some bracing. That end looks pretty braced to me. Whatcha' think?

There! Now we have both ends pretty well braced. I'd say we have braced ourselves. All we need is a bracing cold shower. I'm braced for anything now.

Here's a view of our ultra-high-tech workbench/workstand. Yes, we really did use this ultr-high-tech workstand to cut this board into 18" and 24" lengths.

Alright, are we just being a smart*ss, putting more bracing on this table, just to p*ss off Mickey? What's this new bracing in the middle of the top level? (By the way, this is when my wife came in and told me it needed bracing. Grrrrr...)

Episode 5

Yes!! MORE BRACING! Tee hee! MORE BRACING!! And MORE CLAMPING!!

WHAT'S THIS!! EVEN MORE BRACING??

Well, folks. That's it. The finished frame. All braced and ready for the finish. Wow, it has been fun, adding all that bracing.

Interlude: How To Draw A Circle

Enough talk of bracing for now. How are we going to cut that 21" hole in the top when we are ready to drop that puppy in the table? Well, as Emeril would say, "I don't know where you buy your compass, but where I buy mine, they don't come in 21" sizes!" Here's a handy technique for drawing large circles. First of all, let's make a template to use to cut the circle after the table is finished. We start with a 24"x24" square of plywood.

Next, we find a thin scrap of wood that is slightly longer than the radius of the circle. As you can see, in one end we have driven a nail, and precisely 10.5" from the nail, we have drilled a small hole.

The nail is driven into the plywood at the center of the desired circle.

We use a pencil to draw the circle by placing it in the hole at the other end of the stick.

You then simply draw the circle by rotating the stick around the center point, drawing with the pencil.

Bracing: The Final Word

Using advanced modeling and simulation tools and techniques (plywood, ruler, etc.) we have ascertained that additional diagonal bracing will not be necessary. You see, simple geometry coupled with creative genius often can eliminate the need for additional diagonal bracing!

Episode 6

It's finishing day. We need to finish the frame before hiding parts of it underneath the decking. Notice our clever use of mini foil loafpans to keep the legs off the newpaper. (This photo was taken after we had finished the frame and removed the newspaper.) You could also use these pans if you like to soak the legs with something like Thompson's Wood Protector. Notice all the heavy things lying on the ground that we used to keep the newpaper from blowing up and sticking to the wet finish.

As you can see, the newspaper stuck to the loaf pans instead of the wet legs!

And now we turn the whole thing over to get the undersides of the boards and the bottoms of the legs.

There will be more finishing later, but for now, enjoy this view of our lovely 18"x24" piece of slate that will become a part of the table.

Episode 7

Well, it's time to start working on the lower shelf. What else, but rip some more of the really nice red oak into 4" boards.

The two outer boards on the bottom shelf have to have notches cut into them so they will fit around the legs. Here's how old Whiz Flash-Burn does it. Make repeated cuts and then break out the pieces. A little cleanup and you've got a notch!

The two outer boards also need an 18" notch cut into them for the piece of slate that goes on the bottom shelf. So, we make a whole lot of cuts for this one.

There we have it! The first outer board for the bottom shelf. See how nicely it fits around the leg? And see the notch for the slate?

Whoops! The flash didn't go off on this one. Oh well, you can still see how the board fits around the leg.

Here we have cut the four middle boards to length and set them in place to get a feel for how it's going to look. Mickey, do you think we need to screw them down? You know, sort of like bracing? Screwing? Naah, better not go there....

Now you can see a little better where the slate will go. We will need to cut some short boards to fill in this gap later. We are getting very very very close to the end of the red oak. We think we have guessed exactly right, but we don't want to cut into any remaining boards until we have cut the boards for the top.

And just in case you are having trouble visualizing where the slate will go, here is the Egg's eye view of where the slate will go. If you look closely, you will also see Whiz's high-tech space boots that he wears when he walks around on strange forbidding alien worlds!

Episode 8

Good ole' Whiz was gettin' mighty tired of whizzing all over the solar system, so tonight he took a break from fighting the terrible Gorads of Planet Zoob and put some finish on the interior edges of the boards he cut in Episode 7 while defending the universe from the Borg. Notice that clever propping technique and the ingenious use of newspaper on the wall to spare the paint job on his spaceship! Oh, and watch out. Don't touch that silver switch on the side of his space ship! That's the Blast Off switch!

Episode 9

It's the Fourth of July and Whiz is back at it! We've cut the boards for the top and placed them in place to see what they look like. Notice the jugs of water. Whiz can get very thirsty when zooming around the galaxy! And notice the space umbrella in the background. Very handy for meteor showers when transiting the Van Allen belts. By the way, we didn't take a photo, but after these boards were cut, we put a coat of finish on the interior edges since we won't be able to get to these edges once the boards are screwed down.

Witness the precision with which the holes are placed for screwing the boards of the lower shelf down.

And get a load of that clamping technique again! Wow!

Ooops, forgot to use macro mode. Anyway, here's how we screw the boards down. Having clamped them firmly in place we first drill the holes.

Then we countersink the holes.

Then we drive the screws in.

So, there we almost have it. The bottom shelf is done except for the short boards in front. Notice the slate in place. Notice Whiz's space empties in the black bucket and the space cooler for space beer!

And here's the egg's eye view of the slate now that the decking is in place. Hey! Notice Whiz's space socks, space shorts and space T-shirt!

Episode 10

Well, we've cut the short boards to finish the shelf and the top. This is where my wife comes in and says "Baaaaabies!!!!!!!" She says that whenever she sees the smaller version of something big.

Even baaaaaabies need to have their interior edges finish before we screw them down.

Again that incredible clamping technique! WOW! Even baaaaaabies have to be clamped down to keep those little rascals from moving around.

And there we have the completed bottom shelf. But wait! What's that blue thing? Watch out! It's Whiz's space blaster! You could sure do some damage if you set that thing off, I can tell you! It's made by Makita. And you thought they only made portable tools!

Another view of the completed shelf. Doesn't that slate fit nicely? Oh, and watch out for the space blaster.

It's time to put the top on! Very carefully we place the boards and clamp them into place. They need to be square and they need to fit properly around the opening for the square hole.

After screwing down the ends, we use a pipe clamp to pull the centers into alignment. They bowed out just a bit, and threatening them with the space blaster didn't seem to work.

Now we add the interior boards and clamp them into place.

A lot of drilling and screwing and clamping later, we have the completed top!

And just look how straight those rows of screws are! My, Mrs Flash-Burn must be proud of her son!

Episode 11

OK! Remember that big circle we drew back in Episode 5? Well, here is where that skill comes in handy! We have cut the 21" circle out of a piece of 1/4-inch plywood to use as a template for cutting the hole in the top!

Having drawn the 21" circle on the top, we use our computer-driven remote controlled jig saw to cut the circle. I'll bet you wish you had one of these! Look Ma, no hands!!

And there it is: The Worm Hole. We can use this for transporting our table through time and space to other dimensions!

Important philosophical principal here: Yin and Yang. Alpha and Omega. You see, we cut out the cirle which left a hole. Or did it? Perhaps it left the absence of the circle? Anyway, we used the outside part to slip over the egg and make sure that 21" was going to be enough. You know the Big Green Egg Cookbook? You know. The one that says cook a baked potato at 300 degrees for 1 hour? Yeah, that one. Rubbish, right? Well, just maybe this 21" dimension is rubbish. Nope, it's right!

Ah, how sweet! There it is! Almost ready! All it needs are the cleats to hold the tile and the wheels. Then sanding and finishing will ready this puppy for blast off!

Bracing: The Final Final Word, Honest!

We just couldn't let it all go without one final final word on bracing. As you can see, the short pieces are supported by the dual-cross-member-cantilever method. It just doesn't stick out far enough to require diagonal bracing. I can stand on the short piece and it won't budge. Bet you want to see photo of that, eh?

Episode 12

As you can see, we have a hole to fill! Here we are clamping some boards in place to test fit a sheet of plywood and the tile.

There we go, that looks just about right. We mark the location of the boards, and proceed to cut the cleats.

Here are the four cleats cut to approximate length.

And for those who complained about box joints, we are going to do these joints just a little bit fancy!

Whassat? Countersinking the holes for the screws? Nobody will see. Ah, but we know!

By the way, it's raining........ Notice those space reindeer that we captured on planet Alpha Polaris? They keep the lawn mowed...

And ol' Uncle Whiz wants to be honest with you folks. Here are the four joints. Go ahead. Fire away!

And there we have it. The cleats are screwed in and the tile is in place.

In case you want to buy a tile at your space hardware store, here is the sticker with numbers and everything.

Now let's tip this puppy up on end to get to the underside for finishing.

And there it is! First coat of finish on and drying.

And don't forget to put finish on the plywood that will support the tile!

Episode 13

We were waiting for the cover to arrive in order to make sure we had enough room in the cover to go over the wheels, when we realized that the wheels weren't going to stick out beyond the dimensions of the top, so we decided to go for it. Here is the hardware we bought. The wheels are 8" (7-3/4" actually, the lying bastards...) lawn mower steel wheels with ball bearing axles. The washers and bolts are stainless steel, and the nuts are nylon insert nuts.

Hmm, what's this? The hub has been masked off. And the hub looks like it has been lightly sanded! What's Whiz up to?

Now what? They are both masked and on a sheet of newspaper.

Well, I'll be. Good old Whiz is a such a perfectionist, he just couldn't stand to have white wheels on his BGE table. He's painting the hubs green!

Here's what we used. It's more expensive than Krylon, so it must be better, right?

Ah, there they are. The little beauties are inside now for a little touch-up work after the masking was removed.

Wow, look at that! Whiz has one of those self-levitating self-centering cosmo -blasters from the Alpha quadrant. Bet you wish you had one of them! That will make drilling that hole a cinch! (Actually, those bastards in the Alpha quadrant sold me a defective blaster. It's only 25 years old, and the teeth on one of the gears stripped and it won't blast nothin' any more. I ended up using my cordless blaster with no attachment. I'll never trust those Gerundian merchants again! Guaranteed for 50 light-years, they said!)

Ok, the legs on the other end have wheels to keep them up off the ground. The legs at the other end will have these plastic glides to keep them up off the ground. I couldn't find anything larger than this, so what the hey, use 2!

Alright! We need to cut off about 1 inch from the legs that have the wheels so that the table can rotate around the axles when you lift the other end. Ol' Whiz has got out his radio-controlled GPS-enabled self-locating Skilsaw and made quick work of those two legs. Of course, now we have to put finish on the bottoms of those two legs again.

Ah, sweet green! There is one of the wheels, newly painted and attached to the table.

Well, I'll be dad-burned! Ol' Whiz has even painted the inside hubs! And look how lucky he was to get bolts that are just the right length!

Well, the tardis is looking mighty fine, and almost ready for space travel!

Episode 14

There it sits, in it's final home!

Of course, the big question is whether or not the cover will fit. Looks pretty good!

It looks so good with the lid up!

Check out all that workspace, and with a tile for hot things!

Doesn't that slate look nice?

And here is how we lowered it into the table!

Epilogue

Someone said that the table needed a beer bottle opener. Well...

Look how nicely the line up. Measure twice, drink once.

There is room for two more!

No lines! No waiting! Open bottle here!

Epi-Epilogue

There were room for two more openers. A visit to eBay and voila!

My, how they line up!

Epi-Epi-Epilogue

What's this new addition?!

It's a POLDER HOLDER!! The Polder Thermometer has magnets on the back, so we added some metal switch plates to give Mr. Polder something to hang on to!!

Recall Repair Kit Installation Instructions

If you own the large model Way Cool Technicolor Barbecue Table, (the one with the bracing) you will find that over time, the tires will deform until they look like this. They will not roll once they attain this shape.

Use the hydraulic jack supplied in the repair kit to jack up the end of the table with wheels on it. Place the supplied board beneath the bracing. Remove the old wheels and return them to your nearest Firestone dealer for a refund. (HEY FIRESTONE!!! IT'S A JOKE!!) (Historical note: This recall was issued shortly after Ford and Firestone announced what was probably the largest tire recall in the history of mankind for the tires that were sold as original equipment on Ford Explorers.)

Use the supplied Makita cordless drill and the supplied 5/8-inch auger bit to drill a new axle hole exactly 1-1/8 inches above the current hole.

Use the supplied 1/2-inch oak wood plugs to plug up both ends of the old axle hole on both legs.

Use the supplied applicator to apply the supplied varnish to the wood plugs.

Make sure you have two complete sets of the supplied hardware.

Use the supplied hardware to attach the supplied 10-inch handtruck tires to the table.

Use the supplied 4-foot carpenter's level to ensure that your table is still on the level after you have installed the kit. The bracing must remain horizontal.

Wow! It's finally done! Doesn't it look nice? Well, we still have a few minor enhancements to make, so stayed tuned for the Epilogue to The Amazing Adventures Of Whiz Flash-Burn And His Way Cool Technicolor Barbecue Table on this station. Transcribed.

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